The Witch of Oz?
by 20 Thousand Leagues
Summary: Watanuki becomes Dorothy, and it's a memorable experience in the Life of Watanuki. CRACK. Slight DouWata.


Title: The Witch of Oz  
Author:Ari  
Genre: CRACK. And romance, and a little humor.  
Rating:K+  
A/N: This is the longest thing by FAR I've ever written, and I was a little burnt out by the end. I also ridiculously butchered Baum's classic, but this was quite fun.  
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...the hell?

This was definitely not Japan anymore. Or Kansas, for that matter. There seemed to be two long candy-canes (with shoes? Americans are weird, Watanuki decided) sticking out from under his door. Around these candy canes, small men and women with prepubescent voices sang something about somebody having died. They also sounded unnecessarily cheerful, which was not a comforting thought.

Something nuzzled against his hand, and he looked down. "Mugetsu? Why are you wearing dog ears?"

It hit him like a ton of coincidentally yellow bricks.

"YUUKO!" He was in OZ? Oh god no. No cool, not cool, not cool–

"Glinda!" Squeaked the obnoxious voices outside. "The witch is dead! She's dead at last!"

"Ooh!" stuttered a familiar voice.

"Zashiki Waraski? What are you doing here? Hell, what am I doing here?" Had Doumeki been here, he would have chosen that exact moment to plug his ears, as Watanuki suddenly noticed, "AND WHY AM I WEARING A CHECKERED DRESS!??!?! THIS IS NOT COOL, NOR BEFITTING OF THE ALMIGHTY WATANUKI-SAMA!" Finished with his tirade for the moment, Watanuki took a deep breath, and continued, "I don't suppose you know how I can get home?"

"Well, um, Watanuki-kun? Maybe... um, you should go to the City of Emeralds? The, um, wizard should be able to help you, Watanuki-kun!"

"The wonderful Wizard of Oz!" proclaimed the, apparently, munchkins, and again they burst into song. Watanuki whacked his head against his hand.

"Why is it always me?" he wondered, but he and Mugetsu waved goodbye to the blushing Zashiki Warashi/Glinda of the North, and set off down the yellow brick road.  
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Watanuki traveled a great distance upon the the yellow brick road, admiring the countryside and actually generally enjoying himself. The way was quiet and peaceful, interrupted only by the occasional friendly munchkin. At one point, he noticed a girl sitting up on top of a pole, seemingly immobile.

"Why," Watanuki said to Mugetsu, "what a realistic scarecrow!"

Of course, as Watanuki got closer, he realized that that scarecrow was actually a very familiar girl.

"Watanuki-kun!" Himawari hopped down from her pole and waved cheerfully to her friend. "What a coincidence to see you here! Do you mind if I come along with you?"

"Of course not, Himawari-chan! I wonder why you're here, too? And whyever are you the Scarecrow? Himawari-chan's so smart!"

"I don't know, Watanuki-kun! I sure am surprised, though, that Doumeki-kun isn't here too. He and Watanuki-kun are such good friends!"

Watanuki rolled his eyes, and muttered under his breath, "If anyone, Doumeki should have been the scarecrow. He's the one who lacks intelligence!"  
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Soon enough, Watanuki, Mugetsu, and Himawari reached a dark forest, wherein lay the road. They continued despite the dark, for Watanuki was very anxious to meet this alleged Wizard.

A soft sob suddenly pierced the peaceful and beautiful forest, loud and heartbreaking enough to stop Watanuki stop in his path and start after it, leaving Himawari alone on the path. Yes, there...

In the middle of a circle of trees Watanuki found Kohane-chan sitting in seiza and crying softly, all alone.

"Kohane-chan!" Watanuki cried, and she looked up at him with an expression so lost that he immediately invited her to join he and Himawari-chan on their quest to see the Wizard. She agreed, and on the path asked carefully of Watanuki and Himawari what they were asking of the Wizard, once they reached the famous city of shimmering green.

"I just want to go home, Kohane-chan. I have to be at Yuuko's by 4 tomorrow afternoon!"

Himawari had no such immediate answer. "I suppose I want to know how to fix my curse. So knowledge, I guess."

"What are you looking for, Kohane-chan?" Watanuki smiled at her gently.

She looked back up at him with a slight smile. "Love, Kimihiro-kun."  
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It hadn't been long before the quiet of the forest was interrupted once again, this time by a deep "hn," that made Mugetsu growl and Watanuki's hackles rise inexplicably. He very suddenly felt like yelling at something.

"That's funny," pondered Himawari-chan, a finger resting on her chin, "that sounded just like Doumeki-kun."

Oh gods NO, thought Watanuki.

And then Doumeki strolled out from the depths of the forest and onto the yellow brick road. His eyes widened slightly at Watanuki in a short dress, and Watanuki whacked him. He shrugged, and stole the basket to rummage for snacks.

"Ah! Doumeki-kun! you and Watanuki-kun are such good friends, you can converse without saying anything!"

"DOUMEKI, put the bento DOWN! It's hardly noon!"

And they continued through the forest unhindered by lions, tigers, or bears, because Doumeki had his bow with him.  
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Very soon after that, the motley companions emerged from the forest, and the Emerald City came into view.

"What? We missed the ditch! And the poppy field! This story is progressing entirely wrong!" And a corner of his head said, 'and Doumeki would have carried you over the deep ditch, yes?' The rest of him said, 'that has nothing to do with it, nope!', and Watanuki could almost believe that.

"Oh well," said Himawari cheerfully, and they walked forward and through the gates of the City.

The soldier at the gates split them up, just as in the story said, and while Watanuki was reluctant to let Kohane alone, he had to go see Oz.

He entered the throne room through two immense emerald doors, with intricately carved butterflies swirling through the stone. The shining, marble throne contained an immense marble head, which boomed out, "I am Oz, the great and terrible (1)!"

"...Yuuko?" The mask lifted, and from behind it stepped out Yuuko, clad in a dangerously cut green silk ball gown.

"Good job, Watanuki! Yay! So tell me, now, about this journey you've had."  
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"A good hour later, story all told, Yuuko lit up and pondered aloud, "Doumeki as the lion, huh?"

"Yeah," Watanuki acknowledged, "I haven't figured that one out yet. Kohane-chan wanting love and Himawari-chan wanting knowledge make sense, but Doumeki's got plenty of courage. He's always saving me from something!"

Yuuko smiled. "There are many kinds of courage, Watanuki. You know that."

"Yes, and Doumeki's got the brand that involves reckless stupidity."

Yuuko smiled mysteriously again, "Maybe Doumeki-kun's looking for another kind of courage, then."

Watanuki figured there was a meaning to that sentence he hadn't quite caught, but he didn't have time to think on it, because Yuuko had segued again.

"Well, Watanuki, so you want to go home? And Himawari-chan's knowledge, and Kohane-chan's love, and Doumeki's courage... well, you'll have to pay me, you know. Nothing's free, Watanukiiii! So you guys have to go kill the Wicked Witch of the West, ohohoh!, and then I'll grant your wishes."

"Hell no!"

"No?"

"NO! Hey, wait a minute... can't I just click my heels and go home?"

Yuuko looked thoughtful for a minute, and then agreed, "I suppose you can. What about your friends, though? I will give Himawari-chan her knowledge, and teach Kohane, if you will take care of Doumeki-kun."

Yuuko called for guards, then, who brought Doumeki, Kohane, and Himawari to the throne room. After an explanation was given, Yuuko pulled Himawari and Kohane aside, leaving Watanuki with his own problem.

"All right, Doumeki, what kind of courage are you looking for? 'Cause, you know, you're already pretty brave all ready, even if it's irrefutably mixed in with stupidity, but–"

Doumeki very suddenly became Haruka-san with no apparent warning. "Haruka-san?"

"Watanuki-kun, Shizuka's looking for the courage to tell you 'I love you.'" He half-smiled. "Go home now, Watanuki, and help him out, won't you?"

So a bewildered Watanuki obediently clicked his ruby shoes once, twice, three times...  
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..and woke up to see Doumeki, Himawari, Kohane, and Yuuko looking at him.

"Are you okay, Watanuki-kun? You dozed off while you guys were waiting for me,but it seems you had a bad dream! I'm so sorry!"

Watanuki looked around at the park, the picnic blanket spread beneath him, and shook his head.

"It wasn't so much horrible as it was very strange, although the idea of Yuuko ruling an entire country..." Everyone present (excluding Yuuko herself) gave a little horrified shiver.  



End file.
